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Man, I am SOO burnt out on living in California. So, so burnt out. I’m am just… done.
I just want to make this perfectly clear: I am not just threatening to leave Santa Cruz to move to Las Vegas, I am 100% definitively going to do that.
Santa Cruz, in typical fashion will not realize what it is missing, until one day many years from now, a city leader (hopeful Cynthia Mathews, because poetic justice) will look out over the apocalyptic wasteland (minus the snappy diesel-punk outfits that make and self-respecting post-industrial dystopia worth inhabiting) that their cruelty and ineptitude is directly responsible for creating, and experience the uncomfortable thought: “Maybe we shouldn’t have treated that Colin guy like a human landfill, turns out he was the main thing holding the town together”. This uncharacteristic moment of clarity will be, of course, too little too late. Suckers.
(^^^LOL was I ever in a pissy mood when I wrote that)
I had so much fun in Vegas. It’s like somebody built a town to the specifications that it appeal to my personality type. It really is. I felt more awake and alive there. I have some opportunities out there and I’m looking forward to moving. California has really bummed me out. I’m ready for a change.
A more fleshed out exposition on the respective sociopolitical cultures of Santa Cruz and Las Vegas (I have this thesis that they’re a kind of polar opposite of each other) is forthcoming please feel entitled to harass me with cyberviolence…
…should I happen to procrastinate on publishing it. Good night, and good luck.
So my dad actually died a few months ago but I didn’t run across the email until just yesterday. I guess that’s what happens when you’re estranged from your family and don’t have much contact with them. The truth of the matter is that I’ve been waiting for this to happen my entire adult life. When I was around 11 years old he had a mental breakdown and got put in a hospital that was straight out of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, or Twelve Monkeys. They gave him electro convulsive therapy (ECT). He was never the same after that. I used to visit him (my parents were divorced) at a little apartment in Kent, Washington he put up in. He would have the curtains closed all the time was it was so dark he didn’t know if it was night or day. He would sit there and mumble to himself or say “sir” constantly which I think was a throwback to when he was in the Coast Guard. Sometimes he would talk about how he wanted to kill himself. I would keep myself occupied by watching a beat up VHS tape of Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Empire Strikes Back over and over, or by talking to the neighbor. He was supposed to have weekend custody but often after half a day alone with him I would call my mom up and ask her to come and get me because it was too hard to be around him. All this was going on when I was in junior high and high school. I saw him one last time in nursing home, I cried the entire drive out to his place and most of the drive back. By that point he was like someone with the mind toddler stuck in the body of an old man. We played board game with him and he couldn’t even keep track of who’s turn to play it was and we spent the whole time telling him not play his piece because it wasn’t his turn yet. This was the last place he ever lived and at least it seemed pleasant enough, it was out in the country and there were horses on the adjacent property. He would walk around the land in a big circle route all day. I have strange, somewhat icky feelings about not having gone to visit him more often while he was still around, but I was down in California with my own set problems and couldn’t afford to make the trip. So the person I knew in my father when I was really young has been dead to me for many years now and in lot of ways I already mourned that some time ago.
When I was 25 my girlfriend fell of a tree she was climbing and died after she shattered her spine. She was 23 years old and had been making big travel plans for the summer. I was an emotional wreck after that and still put up with a lot of hardships in my world 12 years later that ultimately result from what happened in that time. So I’m no stranger to grieving. In a lot of ways, that was so much more shocking than this, it was unexpected whereas with my dad I’ve been waiting for it for years. It’s hard to put it in to words but it makes the whole thing feel differently.
Thanks to everyone who sent condolences, that really does mean a lot to me
SJWs in their native habitat (awful rascist doxxer Kat Blaque’s FB page).
When “white privilege” talk turns you into a grovelling, spineless moron who needs approval from someone in a more “marginalized” group in order to wipe your own ass:
Jesus H Christ, it’s the internet. Share things that you like. That’s what people do. Black folks will be fine. They’re adults who can handle the fact that people post things online, even white people doing it. Heck, if muh darker-skinned friends can handle even a P.C.-flaunting shitposter like me…
…then I’m sure they’ll be able to cope with a mousy, timid, submissive do-gooder college girl.
A bit about the direction this fledgling blog is headed. I’m at a point where I have lots of rough drafts and I’m ready to start rolling out a trickle of posts as I hammer them out into finished pieces. But in the meantime I’m going to talk about the framework that’s being established.
This blog is intended to be a mixture of polemic, exploration, and (yes, I admit it) self-promotion. But it’s also going to be a window into my creative process – both because I will posting lots of artifacts of my progress toward building projects, and because I’ll be musing on the nature of creative work itself along the way – how it “works”, the challenges of personal artistic development, the relationship between ‘work’ and ‘play’ in a creative context.
As many nerdly people in my age range can attest to, the “behind the scenes” documentaries about the making of the Star Wars films which were on frequent rotation on television in the 1980s were a source of major fascination in our childhoods. While the movies -which I have always loved – could stand on their own merit as a final product, it only enhanced my appreciation of the artform to see just how much ingenuity and craftsmanship went into realizing this vision. It’s in that same spirit that want to show you the “behind the scenes” of my own art. I’ve learned to be just as fascinated by process – by how something is made, as I am by the end result. Likewise with this blog, I’ve got a few long-term projects in the works – a few screenplays, a podcast / variety show – and this will be a place to take a peek “backstage”, if you will.
So while on one hand this blog will be a sort of catch-all for anything that interests me enough to share or write about it, and my interests are… eclectic. All over the map. A little bit of lots of things. My personal obsessions can broadly be split into the major categories: Art (includes literature), Politics, and Science. Those overarching topics are inclusive an almost infinite array of subtopics – I’m deliberately giving myself a ton of leeway here, within a the parameters of those categories. That somewhat scattershot approach is (for me at least) a part of the creative process too: the mind wanders, considers different things, builds up storehouses of information, ideas. You never know which pebble in the mound will turn out to be the precious gem. Anyhow thanks for reading and keep your eye on this spot for more substantive fare in the near-ish future, as I’ve stated I’ve in a good habit which I intend to maintain of writing every day recently and there’s quite a few posts in an embryonic state of development currently that I will be publishing sooner than later. Cheers.
Despite initial intentions of posting regular updates, the stormfall of a spot of turmoil in my personal world had pushed the blog to the wayside. I’d made a little accumulation of stubs and rough drafts, but was too busy with other concerns or exhausted or unfocused to put much effort into fleshing them out into a publishable form. Then recently I had the opportunity to spent a week in a cabin in the mountains and really settle back in to the habit of writing as a daily practice, and afforded me the chance to move forward some of the embryonic proto-essays that had previous been sitting stagnant. I’m on a roll now, and new pieces will be forthcoming. Articles are in various stages of cooking up – some closer to finished than others, and will be rolling out as soon as they’re polished.
So expect new posts here in the coming weeks and months. Here’s a sneak preview: a little peak into my creative process (that btw is a theme I’ll will be unfolding here in the future: documenting and exploring how, in terms of process, creative work emerges) in the shape of the brainstorm page I jotted out while up on the mountain.